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Our happiness was not to be, until our minds could be free…

17 Feb

The past week may be the worst week of my life. The feeling you get when the whole world turns against you. The feeling you get when the whole world misunderstands you. The feeling you get when your friends are leaving you. The feeling you get when a bomb strikes you when you thought that was the safest place of all. I experienced these feelings and many more just during that week.
The incident, is something I will never forget all my life. I know I was not completely in the right from the start. In fact I made a big mistake by letting out my anger to the chairpersons in front of some classmates. And that made more people misunderstand me instead of try to share my feelings. It was originally only between my friend and I and the chairpersons. But then the chairpersons made a decision we did not know of that put us in a situation that it was because of us that the whole class had to change. But in fact we didn’t know of it until we saw it ourselves. Then later the matter was brought up to make sure there is “open communication” in our class. And that made things worse. The whole class thought we were just unreasonable and was annoyed with us. But in fact I just wanted people to know I didn’t want to make the class change for us. My friend continued to argue with the chairpersons while I kept quiet. Not that I had nothing to say, but because I was crying. In the end it turned out like a fight between the 2 of us and several of our classmates. Even some of our friends were not helping us. While some friends tried to smooth things out but to no avail. I wanted to tell my friend, who was arguing to stop, but a part of me didn’t and couldn’t, because I secretly hoped that my classmates may understand how we or rather I felt throughout this whole incident. To them, we just look like selfish, self-centred, unreasonable peeps. But in fact I didn’t mean that way, I didn’t want my class to change for me, I didn’t want to cause everyone the trouble, but at the same time, I didn’t want my friend to be alone. So I sort of backed her up, and we’re one a lonely island. At the end, my teacher had to step in and solve it. She said she was disappointed cause we are like in the last year of high school, and she thought we’d have the maturity to solve this as a class. But no, when the class is full of people who will side their friends and never consider others, it is not going to solve anything.
I guess this incident told me to recognise my weakness, and recognise my friends. Of course, I can’t choose my classmates, but I can try my best to avoid clashes and get on with life. Through this, I think I’ve grown up a little. I start to see things differently, I start to understand what is the feeling of being standing against the world. And most importantly, I now understand how it is like, to be bitched about. (Thanks to the cyberworld with easily accessible Twitter…) And this brings me to the above videos by bubzbeauty.
Bubz is a cheerful girl, and she has been my role model ever since I started following her videos. And I’ve watched the videos before when it came out, and now I find that these videos will help me get over this matter. Not forget it, but get over it.
Girl Drama, may be a suitable term to describe this because, our class of 18 people, has only 3 guys. 15 girls… And this incident did involve the guys, but that did not help much.
I liked it when she said: “you could be hated for the exact same reason you’re loved”. So why question yourself when someone misunderstands you? Accept that not everyone is going to like you. Yes, I do not need to earn likeness from my classmates. They can misunderstand me for the rest of the year but I shouldn’t care less. I shouldn’t let what other people think of me make me seem weak, vulnerable. I want to stay strong, till the end, I want to be able to take negative comments and tell myself that’s what they think ’cause they don’t know me.
Do I really have time for this?
People are always gonna judge. Do I need everybody’s approval to be happy?
People like to assume. Does it mean it’s always true?
Do I want to be a petty person?
Is this even a real problem?

Bubz made me reflect on myself. And I got my answers to these questions. All I actually need is to put all these at the back of my mind, free myself from all the negative thoughts. I shall do myself a favour to forgive them (not forget because I have my lessons to learn from this incident), and I will just do this in my head, this will give me a little peace.
Our happiness was not to be, until our minds could be free…
Bubz mentioned, many people think happiness is associated with a reason. But, actually, happiness can be very simple. Self pity won’t help at all. Free yourself. Through your complaining, blaming and shame, you are responsible for your own unhappiness. Worrying is like a rocking chair, it takes up a lot of energy, but it doesn’t get you anywhere. It’s time to accept, and move on. If you don’t like anything, change it; if you can’t change it, change your attitude.
“Your thoughts become your words,
your words become your actions,
your actions become your habits,
your habits become your character,
and your character becomes your destiny”
After this incident, I think I will change. I used to be a person who bitch about others too, because I am the one who is insecure, not confident, jealous, and many more… But now, I’m going to tell myself that I am not going to be that anymore. I want to be a happy girl, and the route to happiness isn’t going to be filled with bitching, backstabbing, jealousy… It should be filled with meaningful things I do everyday. Time spent with my family, my friends, working hard for my CCA in the next and last competition, studying and I am considering giving back to the community(but I came to realise finding a place isn’t an easy task at all). I should make my life more meaningful, and at the end of the day I will be the one who benefit from all these.
Happiness comes that easily, with the teaser of SHINee’s Dream Girl!!

[Girl talk] Friends

14 Oct

Every girl has her “friend problem”

There were numerous times I actually cried over a friend. And this time I see a girl-friend of mine, crying over her friend. The fact is, I’ve never seen a guy, crying over a friend(guy). Is it that girls are vulnerable and guys are though? I doubt so. I just feel that it’s because girls have that little thing with feelings. The feeling we cannot hide, the feeling we don’t want to face, the feeling that make us look like cowards, that feeling that make girls weak.
I’m not sure about other girls, but for me, I don’t like that feeling. It makes me care to much, it makes me go beyond what I’m supposed to be. And I don’t like it.
my story
I used to have a friend, whom i treasure a lot. But somehow things went wrong. We kept fighting, we couldn’t stop. I think she don’t care about me, she thinks the same. All these endless fights made me realise how much I care, and how much I can’t stand that she don’t appreciate it. In the end, due to class allocations, we went separate ways. But we continued fighting. Yet, we were able to go on the same overseas trip that the school organised. Being the only two in our level going, we had to depend on each other. Things went fine for a while, later during the 10 day trip, we fight again. But we just end up saying sorry over and over again. We were like fools. I couldn’t take it. After the trip some other things happened. And now I try my best to not talk/avoid her. But it’s not quite possible. She tries hard to get herself updated on my life, trying to stalk me all the time. It’s quite irritating, when you hear things like “so who’s your new target?” (She means idol. And it’s just her funny belief that I like to change idols which is so UNTRUE), and “so do you feel happier now that you can play kpop during cca?” (I complain cca is boring, which is true cause the whole existence of cca is for syf. And she somehow overheard me playing kpop songs? Who knows how she did it? And about kpop, I used to complain it was no good, yet i fall right into the hole of kpop this year. Totally in love now.) So… Having someone saying this to you, often, how is it? I feel so stalked. And i just feel that you’re trying to interfere with my business which I totally do not like. But I don’t know how to say… So yeah, I guess we’ll see how things goes next year.
end of my story
So, it may just be a girl thing that we’re too sensitive and all. It’s kind of irritating to get all those thoughts, but I guess it’s okay. After all, we are girls. But after this story, I learnt to put less effort in my friendship. But I guess this is subjected to people. I am just not suitable for friendship that bring two people too close that they interfere each other’s lives. I know I am a very dependent person, but at the same time, a little independent somehow. But something I sure don’t like is when people poke into my business. And when people that important things from me, especially my phone. (Okay, I guess this should not be elaborated cause it’s another story altogether!)
Let’s conclude, I guess we girls just need to understand ourselves more to make right decisions for ourselves and not fall into the trap of oversensitivity. (Is there such a word?)